Previously on No Country for Lady Men: Morgan tried to throw Tatianna under the John Deere express; Sonique went to military school as a child; Raven was not a fan of Disco Critter couture in last week’s challenge; Tyra Sanchez won the challenge; Raven survived yet another Lip Sync and Mystique had to split – because that’s all she does.
The queens enter the workroom and see Mystique’s goodbye message: “Balls 2 the walls Fishes & bitches > 3.” Morgan notices how chunky the message is and someone asks if it was written in cake icing. Morgan says if it was icing Mystique would have eaten it before writing with it. This scandalizes Juju and I just roll my eyes. Yes, Mystique was an ogre but she’s gone. Give it a rest, Morgan. After Raven cleans off the mirror, the contestants sit around and discuss their fallen competitor some more. Tatianna comments in an interview that Sonique spends a good deal of time talking shit about the other contestants. Back in the group, Morgan says that she pities Mystique. Tatianna continues in her interview that Mystique doesn’t need pity. Meanwhile, Raven frets about being up for elimination twice and that he does not want that to happen again.
SheMail has arrived. RuPaul reminds the contestants that if they can fake sincerity, they’ve got it made. She then goes on to tell them that if they play the game well, they can snatch up the title and a lifetime supply of Turtle Wax. After the message Juju stammers out a statement about confusion that is…confusing. Honey, it’s gonna be a game show party up in here!
Ru enters with the Pit Crew. Today’s mini-challenge is called The Queen is Right. They will be playing the contestant’s row portion of The Price is Right by bidding on the correct price for drag queen essentials. The winner of each round will play in the Showcase Throwdown. Now there’s a sweeps stunt that CBS should consider. Anyway, the winner will get a phone call home – not a bad prize.
RuPaul draws names at random and the first three to play are Raven, Juju and Sahara. As each name is called they freak out just like the contestants on TPiR (that’s what the in-crowd calls it on the game show forums). (Yes, I know far too much about this.) The first item up for bids (IUFB) is a six-pack of tube socks. Raven guesses $9.45, Juju goes with $5.98 and Sahara totally blocks Juju with a bid of $6.00. Boo! I hate it when people do that. It doesn’t matter though because the price is $10.99. Those are some deluxe socks, apparently.
Next up is hemorrhoid cream to combat eye puffiness. Pandora bids $2.98 with perhaps a bit too much excitement. Jessica interviews that she doesn’t really understand what the cream does and bids $4.50. Morgan bids $5.85. Jessica wins because the price is $5.59.
The last IUFB is duct tape. Tyra bids $2.98, which is way too low given the prices of the other two items. Sonique bids $4.00 while Tatianna bids $3.75. Sure enough, the price is $6.98 so Sonique joins Jessica and Raven for the Throwdown. They will be bidding on a set of brass knuckles, pepper spray with carrying case, and a lacefront wig made of real human hair. I guess that’s the drag equivalent to a gazebo, an armoire, and a BRAND NEW CAR!!! Sonique bids $225.01, Jessica bids $390 and Raven bids $395. Even though it is a block on Jessica, everyone was wayyyy off – the price is $1283.90. Raven wins all the prizes and a phone call to his mom.
The main challenge is called Snatch Game and the queens will be doing their best celebrity impersonations as they sit on the game panel. The judging criteria, aside from Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent, includes the look, precision and wit. This is going to be awesome.
Before the challenge prep we see Raven attempting to call his mom. There are some technical difficulties with the speaker phone. Once it is resolved they have a short and sweet conversation. I think Raven is growing on me.
Morgan goes around the room and asks who everyone is going to impersonate. Tyra is first and is like “duh, Beyonce.” Um, duh, step out of your box Tyra. If you’re so obsessed with Beyonce, why not have your drag name reflect that? I saw a performer recently who went by the name Boyance (and she was quite good). We don’t get to hear anyone else’s response. Tatianna mentions in an interview that she hasn’t done celeb drag before and we see a conversation she has with Jessica who is in the same boat.
After the commercials, Morgan recaps the challenge. We then see her ask Sonique why she is doing Lady Gaga instead of Madonna. Hmm, neither one really seems like good LOLZ material. Sonique says she doesn’t have the materials for a Madonna costume and that she would rather do Pink, but Morgan had already called dibs on that personality. Geez, another celeb that is not really easy to make a caricature of in this challenge. I suppose it’s a high risk/high reward strategy if they can pull it off. Morgan says that she does Pink all the time, so I guess she knows what she’s doing.
Ru enters for the walkaround. He starts with Morgan and asks her to describe Pink’s personality. She goes on about Pink’s animal rights activism. Yeah, protesting factory farms is comedy gold. Ru seems to agree with me, but he seems to trust Morgan more than I do to deliver. Sonique is next and tells Ru that Lady Gaga is her muse. Ru says that he was on the fence about her (which I think is everyone’s starting point) until he saw an interview where Gaga said the only thing she is looking for in a boyfriend is “a big cock.” This cracks Sonique up and she assures Ru that it will be very easy for her to channel the Gaga.
Tatianna, who is dressed as the Master of Ceremonies from Cabaret for some reason, reports that she will be doing Britney. Ru runs a couple of suggestions for tics and mannerisms and it seems that Tatianna is on the right track. Ru then asks the room who is messing with a Ru ‘doo. Jessica pipes up that she will be doing RuPaul on the Snatch Game. This cracks Ru up, though he brings up the risk of impersonating someone who is in the room. Jessica promises that it will all be in fun. Real Ru calls Pandora over to find out about her costume. Pandora says she will be doing Carol Channing and RuPaul screams “Yayyyyyy!” As do I. And my housemates. Ru tries to narrow down the Channing era – Hello Dolly, Love Boat, or Raspberries. I love this conversation.
Raven is next and says she will be doing Paris Hilton because she is fun to make fun of. Eh, that just seems too easy. Speaking of, RuPaul goes over to Tyra and talks with her about Beyonce. He reminds Tyra about Santino’s comment about her voice, but they seem to agree that it might be a non-issue in the long run. Sahara is next and she is going with Whitney Houston, specifically “Being Bobby Brown” Whitney. My housemates and I start cheering. If you are unfamiliar with this iteration of Whitney, here is all you need to know.
Last up is Juju who will be doing Kimora Lee Simmons. Ooo, that could be an interesting choice. Ru asks Juju where she gets her sense of humor. “My father passing away.” That was unexpected. Juju goes on to explain that she has since lived every day like it is her last day. Ah, that makes more sense.
Ru leaves after telling the queens “Don’t Fuck it Up” and we see them finish preparing. Tatianna is concerned that she doesn’t actually have a Britney costume. We see Morgan ask her what wig she is going to use and ultimately disapprove of Tatianna’s choice. Morgan loans her a wig but Tatianna interviews that she thinks it might have been out of pity more than anything else.
We come back from the ads and we are on the set of Snatch Game 2010. The contestants are Phoebe Price and Alec Mapa. The latter is from Ugly Betty but I wouldn’t know. Ru then introduces the panel. Pandora is totally in character, but Morgan biffs an attempt at a joke. Juju has the costume down, but opens with a denial, which is the first no-no of improv. Sonique also biffs a joke before Jessica is introduced. Jessica is way over the top and has Real Ru in stitches. Sonique interviews that the way Jessica is acting completely conflicts with Real Ru’s professionalism. I don’t think Sonique understands how this challenge is supposed to work.
On the bottom row we start with Raven as Paris. It’s a little understated, both the look and performance. Sahara’s Whitney looks the part, but she doesn’t throw any diva into the intro. Tatianna’s Britney is next and she looks really good. As she waves to the panel, Morgan/Pink flips her off. Tyra is in both Beyonce mode and full on boring mode. Pandora interviews that Tyra is lucky she has immunity. Gah, don’t remind me.
Let’s play the Snatch Game! Question one: “Fat Fannie the Drag Queen is so fat, instead of dollars she prefers to be tipped with _______” Phoebe goes with pork rinds. Ru calls it a good answer – Ru needs to work on his Gene Rayburn impersonation because, no, it’s not. Carol is completely doped up/awesome. Pink takes a slam at Britney before revealing her answer. Britney says that she likes to be tipped with Manbutter. Beyonce says she stopped in Texas on her world tour, visited Mystique and tipped her with a 2 piece and a biscuit. Kind of mean, but a good answer.
Alec is up next: “Slutty Sally is so slutty last time I took a ride on her disco stick I got _________” Alec goes with “STD”. That answer would get booed on Match Game. Carol goes with scurvy, Kimora goes with scabies, Gaga goes with “money honey”. Alec is not impressed with Gaga. Fake Ru pretends to be asleep, but when she wakes up she tells the contestants they must Lip Sync for Your Life. Hehe. Whitney says “shoes” and Britney says “lost” (AWESOME!).
“Dumb DiDi is so dumb, she got arrested for driving without a ____________” Who wrote these? Pheobe goes with “car”. Now there’s a good answer. Carol apologizes because she wrote “I got a lovely bunch of coconuts.” Girlfriend knows her Carol and her Match Game. Pink scores a match as does Paris. Britney goes with “A baby in her lap.” Wow, Tatianna is rocking this challenge. The game is over, Alec won and the queens are unsure of how they did.
The next day we see the queens prepping for the runway. Raven hopes that she is not in the bottom two for a third time, but Jessica chimes in that being in the bottom is not all bad. What is it about the queens from Puerto Rico that make them so doggone charming? I need more Jessica Wild and Nina Flowers in my life. Tyra asks if anyone has won two weeks in a row (so far, no). Pandora interviews that the question is irrelevant because she ain’t winning this week.
Back in the work room, Tatianna tells Tyra that Beyonce is tough because she’s not an easy target to make fun of. Tyra counters that Britney isn’t funny but somehow Tatianna made it work. What?! Tatianna says that Britney is funny (true) and the only thing Beyonce did that was funny is fall (also true). Tyra calls finding the falling funny is crude (probably true) but then Tyra goes into total fanboy mode. Tatianna tells Tyra that she really needs to get over this whole Beyonce thing before someone gets a sledgehammer to the foot (I’m paraphrasing).
Time for the mainstage show. Ru is continuing with the game show theme by wearing a dress inspired either by the set of $25,000 Pyramid or the big board on Press Your Luck. Sorry, but this look is a bit of a whammy. Today’s guest judges include Nicey Nash from Reno 911 and Lisa Rinna from my nightmares. For today’s runway, the queens will be showing off their own personal style.
Pandora is first and she is wearing a silver gown with a bias skirt. I like the blonde wig she is sporting. Overall, a very nice look. Tyra is next and is wearing what looks like the secretary outfit Bebe wore last season in the Absolut Vodka challenge. Whatevs, she has immunity so no criticism matters. Morgan is next and she is wearing Britney’s costume from the Circus video. Interesting choice for personal style, but okay. Juju is next and, oh dear. She is wearing a blue jumpsuit with black vertical stripes, pink heels, and a reddish/pink shrug. That outfit is doing no one any favors. Sonique is wearing a dark pink tiger print costume complete with a mask. It’s like something from the 60’s version of Batman. Tatianna is wearing a black leather tube top and a purple leather mini-skirt. No, a micro-mini. No, a thong. Oh, it’s just riding up on her as she walks. Jessica is next and is wearing an elaborate black leather/lace ensemble. Raven enters wearing a black and white print dress with a black corset and red lining. I really like the dress – it has a flamenco feel about it. Sahara is wearing a black leather boots and cape ensemble. Merle says it has a Grace Jones vibe and I totally agree.
All the queens are on stage holding silver brief cases. Wow, they are not stopping with this game show theme for even a second. This time the game is “Heel or No Heel.” If the queen’s case has a heel they are safe and may leave the runway. If there is no heel, the queen is either in the top or the bottom. Tyra has a heel but Tatianna doesn’t. Raven takes a deep breath before opening her case and there is a heel inside. Juju has no heel while Jessica and Sahara are safe. Sonique, Pandora and Morgan do not have heels in their cases.
Juju is up first and Lisa tells her that she needed to be bigger in her performance. Nicey says you need to start big so that the audience can latch on to the character. Sonique’s Lady Gaga was lacking comedy according to Merle. Sonique explains that she didn’t want to embarrass her character. Honey, do you really think a drag queen impersonation is going to embarrass Lady Gaga? That’s probably the most normal thing happening to her today.
Pandora is praised for her camp appeal: actually being funny instead of cheesy. Everyone was a fan of her performance. Tatianna thinks she did a great job on the challenge. Lisa was a former neighbor of Britney’s and says that Tatianna nailed the performance. Merle loves Tatianna’s body but she is looking a bit like a “$20 Hooker” today. Morgan is next and we get to relive her joke biff. Morgan agrees with the judges that her performance went over “like a fart in a spacesuit.” Ru does not seem all that impressed with that description.
Deliberations. Sonique gets a thumbs down. Tatianna needs a fashion makeover, but her Snatch Game performance was flawless. Pandora’s comedy skills are A+ but she too needs some sartorial sense. Morgan took a stupid risk with her celebrity choice. Juju’s runway outfit got mixed reviews, but little details such as the make-up on Kimora’s neck seem to tip the balance in Juju’s favor.
The girls come back to the stage. Pandora is told that she delivered an awesome performance, but she was overshadowed by someone else. That someone else was Tatianna who wins the challenge, immunity, and $1000 gift certificate at Billion Dollar Babes. Sonique is sent to elimination station along with Morgan. Juju is still on stage because Ru has a special message for her. Uh oh. Ru warns Juju to stop hanging around the middle of the pack before sending her to safety.
So it is Morgan and Sonique who are going to Lip Sync for Ya Life. Ooo! “Two of Hearts”! I LOVE this song. Morgan does a pretty tight dance to this song while Sonique turns it into a strip tease performance. Sonique starts to throw in some flips but Morgan is incredibly precise with the lip sync. Ru agrees that the precision was top-notch while commending Sonique for using the entire area of the stage. She says the choice has never been so difficult. She doesn’t have to excuse herself before deciding that Morgan gets to stay.
Sonique sashays away and reveals in an interview that maybe she shouldn’t have been so serious in the competition. You know, I think that actually makes a lot of sense. I think she had the best body of all the contestants, but there was a certain charm that was lacking. Ah well.
Oh yeah, I'm writing for Gawker now
5 years ago